It’s a flurry of words, emotions, body language, and this tasmanian devil has taken you along for the ride. Fun, not. No altercation, disagreement, or any amount of acrimony is fun or rewarding, and certainly not what most are after. Most of us want peace and happiness, but as life would have it, stuff happens. And when it does, we often get picked up for the ride, right along with your driver. In the face of ending up frustrated, frazzled, or downright panicked, it’s important to remember these 3 things, all related to Emotional Control, theirs, and yours.
It’s not about you.
If there’s anything I constantly repeat in my practice, it’s this. It’s never about you, but we forever choose to take it on, and ‘wear’ other people’s behaviours. This is very common, but whatever is going on for them, it’s usually about them, what they’re going through, and what they’re unable to express or deal with at that moment. It’s not about you. We’re wired to take things personally. That’s how the Ego protects us from being or getting hurt, but we actually have a choice in that. We can choose behave differently, and choose not to take other people’s behaviours personally, because it usually isn’t. It’s usually never about you.
Different things work for different people. The bottom line is, the other person, amidst their storm or upset, need calm, so lead by example. Take the reigns, as part of them is begging for respite. Once we accept this mindset, we’re better able to assist, help, support, and take pro-active action for them. It’s about empowering, and keeping calm amidst the storm, even yours.
This is crucial. The first action of #2 is #1. Then, ground yourself, so breathe. Regain your composure, bring your sympathetic nervous system back down, calm the reactivity, and just breathe. Once done, you’ll be able to think, respond, and empower, yourself, and them.
…Or gently leave the room. Without anger. Your own roundedness, or motional control, is key if you want a positive outcome. It’s ok to feel angry, and it’s ok for others (our kids too) to feel angry. It’s a great emotion, originating out of not being able to express ourselves in the heat of the moment, or being able to express ourselves constructively. It’s not okay however, to do angry. Yelling, screaming, stomping, or displaying any aggressive body language whatsoever, is not only threatening and scary to the other person, it’s counter-productive, especially if it’s in front of someone. (Especially a child. Monkey-see, Monkey-do, right? Don’t give your kids permission to act this way by behaving this way yourself.)
Leave and regain your wits. By doing so, you’re not only showing showing that you have EC and are accountable and are setting the tone, but you’re expressing positive ways how to respond to stressful stimuli, and take ownership and responsibility. This is good for everyone. Take a breather, and revisit the situation when you have your wits about you. That’s a win-win in so many respects.
If you follow these 3 key actions, you’ll be empowered to maintain your cool, be responsive to others, not take any of it personally, and offer productive and beneficial help and support no matter who you’re with; spouse, child, in-law, neighbour, friend, boss, or co-worker.
This is only a start. Understanding behaviour and learning effective communication are the next steps. Let me know if you need help or support, and connect with me anytime. Wen we understand others, their motivations, their fears, and their goals, we’re more capable of having positive and healthy relationships with them.