I bet your brain is scrambling to get this one. You’re either thinking I’ve made a typo, or you’ve read it wrong, and you’re re-reading it. Again. You’re not reading it wrong. There can be such a thing as a Happy Divorce, if you want. I get it. I see it every day in my practice; Couples come in to see if they can repair all the hate, acrimony, and distaste they’ve built up and created for and about each other. It’s like an untreated scrape that becomes infected to the point no bandaid, over-the-counter, or antibiotics can heal. It’s become pure disgust. You want out. They want out, but it’s become nasty, hurtful, venomous, making life hell for you, and you can’t help but react almost as badly, in defence.
Aren’t there any other options? There are. The writing on the wall for both of these couple-examples is the same; they’ve grown apart. That, we all can agree upon. So why not leave it there? Because they can’t. They’re angry. That’s where the ugly comes into play; Ego. Oh Ego, you’re a nasty one. Ego is anger, resentment, jealousy, and everything negative that can possibly emanate from your thoughts, to your mouth, to their ears, and possibly everyone else’s, and ooze more hurt, selfishness, anger, resentment and jealousy. It’s nasty stuff. The big question is, why make it about you? It’s not. You’re both in it together, so work together. Then, find a Professional, like myself, to vent with, talk to, and work out your emotions here.
So, where is the happy divorce, you ask? It’s here, in choosing to box Ego up and lock that ugly monster behind closed doors. Since behaviour and actions of malcontent and hurt are of no true usefulness, then why bother with it. Everyone knows you’re angry, that they’re angry, but why make t worse and put so much negative effort out there? Just to explain, Ego’s usefulness comes into play for the one who’s behaving badly, making life a living hell for you, to make themselves feel better, and you, the feel blamed, he victim, getting the brunt of their nastiness through reprehensible and irrational behaviour. The one who is hurt the most, is the most angered and resentful, and needs to blame and hurt. But this behaviour serves no real, pro-active, or beneficial purpose. And how exhausting.
So, why do they behave this way? It’s the only control over the situation they have. They have no real power to deal, and this is how they’ve chosen to manage their emotions. But, think about it. This just takes up a lot of negative thinking and energy that could be better directed into more important and meaningful things, with grace and humility, like mediating the separation or divorce amicably, so that moving on with a happier, more peaceful life is possible. This, is a lot of work. Negative work, for no real useful benefit.
What if, there was another, more constructive, productive, and intergous way to move forward? To actually, move forward. There is. Agree that the marriage should dissolve, that being together is divisive, toxic, acrimonious, and miserable, and leave it there. End of story. It needs not to go any further than that. This too, as is leading by Ego, making life more difficult and more challenging than it ever has to be, is a choice. It’s the same opportunity for choice you have when it comes to dissension, malcontent, difficulty and meanness. Oh yes, it is a choice.
I vote for the easy route here of not making your life difficult, or theirs. It’s going to be difficult enough. Think ahead, consider your goals, maintain your integrity, and make a positive-oriented plan-of-action. It’s best for everyone. At the end of the day, both parties deserve to live with their emotions as unencumbered as possible. Separation and divorce are hard enough, even when it’s done with goodwill, willingness, and agreeability.
How does one move forward with all the harsh, thoughtless, and hurtful things the other person has done, and take on a milder acceptance of the event that has just happened, and of the events to come? Change your mindset, re-assess your values, and choose to be a person of integrity and good. This, by far, will be easier now, and down the road, for you, and for them. Marriage Unplugged. It’s never easy. There are always many things to consider and think about concerning separation or divorce, especially when there are kids involved, large assets, and many invested emotions. And sometimes, two people are better together, apart, and that’s ok. Just make it emotionally easy for yourself and for your spouse. You’ll be thankful you did, and happier in the end too.
Do you need help figuring it all out…what it might look like, feel like, how to make it happen, how to make it work, how to respond to the venomous one, or is leaving teen the best option? You may even be thinking it may be easier to stay in the marriage and find ways to make it work, to improve the communication, understand each other better, understand your spouses’ behaviours, and mend and repair. With well over a decade of experience, I can help you. All you have to do is want the help and support, and ask. I’m right here for you, if and when you need.